| Jamis the King is home. No more Bullshit. |
[02 Jul 2006|03:29am] |
You know over the last couple of weeks I've been becoming a more and more depressed person. I was sad all the time and I didn't know why. I couldn't shake the depressed feeling for nothing in the world. It was getting to the point where I almost had to fight crying if something upset me like at work or home.
Now the situation has definatly changed. I'm not depressed anymore. I'm angry and bitter. I don't give a damn what people think of me.
Monday my evil sister decided to call and upset my mom. She does this as much as possible. So I got fed up of her talking to my mom any kind of way. So I got in her ass and we had a huge fight on the phone to the point where neither of us are speaking to each other probobly ever. So what who cares? She said she didn't want anything to do with me like I give a shit.
Every since that argument and i finally got years worth of frustration off my chest with her treating me and my mom like shit all the time. I finally found my strength the strength ive been looking for all this time that I thought I lost.
I see peoples true colors now. I see that when I have money and can do for people they love me but when I dont have it they give you their whole ass to kiss. I'm always runnin runnin runnin for them. I break my ass to do things for them but for what? All my reward is people talking shit about me behind my back. Saying how stupid I am for doing this and that. It's over.
They can sit around and talk shit all they want. Let them waste their time. Because while the talker is shittin I'll be focusing on me. I don't give a damn how people feel about it. Anybody. If I have somethin to say I'm gonna say it. I don't fear a soul on this planet so Bitch Do Some'um.
And while im being brutally honest one thing I don't give a damn about is other peoples relationships. I don't give a fuck really people talk to me like I care. I know im not in one but that doesn't mean come tell me how much you miss someone or how bad they cheated on you. I don't give a flying fuck. Keep your bf/gf drama away from me far far away. Half of the shit i hear is just because people are stupid for love. Fuck Love and get some goddamn pride.
Thats all. ill write more when i have more time.
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[20 Apr 2006|02:27am] |
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I just realized that my entry on 3/25/06 is much more inspirational than any other entry I could possibly write. So from now on when I feel blue I'm gonna read that entry it gave me so much strenghth just to hear myself talk like that. it's entitled "The Final Act. No More."
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| When will it end... ...unhappy. I don't give a damn. |
[20 Apr 2006|01:18am] |
Wow. I don't know what to say. I only usually update these things when im in a low mood and...You guessed it. I'm in a low mood. When will it end...
Work is fuckin stressful as hell. They are always on me about somethin. It makes me sick. It makes me not wanna work there. The money isn't even worth it like I thought it would be. Friday will be my 12th week there. 3 buisness months. I should get my raise soon. But man.
I'm still ...unhappy. I dont think anything will ever make me happy to be honest. I'm one of those people who can like...make myself sad over the simplest thing. I think that would be the true description of emo. Sometimes I don't see the meaning of going on. But then when I stop and think about it...Why do I think that way? I've had a decent childhood and even though I'm stuggling alittle bit now nothing is really so bad til I wish I weren't alive anymore ease note the differences in not wanting to be alive and wanting to kill yourself because im not stupid enough to kill myself not matter how emo I got) I don't know. I try to think possitive. I try to not let people piss me off but it's hard sometimes because I let people walk all over me most of the time. I think thats why I'm so emo all the time. I hold shit in too much. I need to just say whats on my mind and not give a damn what the person thinks of me. Not care about other peoples feelings. I've been picked on and shat on and hurt so much til i just decided not to give a damn anymore.
If people use me for rides, I don't give a damn. If people don't wanna hang out with me, I don't give a damn. I think thats the best way for me to look at life is to just not let anything get to me. I mean, I've tried that before but not with the philosophy of "I don't give a damn." So from now on when people ask something on me i'll juat be like, "I don't care.." or "Whatever.." I still want my strenghth back. It's coming back slowly even if im an unhappy person right now I don't give a damn. Wow that works so well. Eventually I'll be back to my own self. Rome wasn't built in a day right? I dont have time to deal with people who 1. Use me to look cool in front of other people who don't give a shit about them. 2. People who are so in love with either their bfs/gfs/exs or cocaine til they can't even pick up the phone and say hey whats up. 3. People who costantly try to piss me off all the time for no apparent reason at all just for the joy of seeing me get upset. Of course I'm not naming any names those are just general statements...yeah...lmao.
I decided that on July 1st im gonna goto the Kelly Clarkson concert. For one I think Kelly Clarkson is hot and that girl can sing like somethin unreal. Just like Beyonce. You know what, I'm also sick of everyone hating on all the girls I like. Whether they be a celebrity or just a girl walkin down the street. It pisses me the fuck off. Everyone should know by now that even though I haven't had a gf in years my taste and standards are high as hell. I don't waste my time lookin at badbody, no shape, ugly, non-kept-up bitches. I look for the total package. and I know I'm not the trophy winner myself but I'll be damned if I ever settle for last place when it comes to chicks. I've had people hate on Beyonce and actually call her ugly and badbody...jesus...either you're a badbody jealous bitch or your gay. Be realistic people. Beyonce Knowles won Most Beautiful Person at the 2006 Beauty Awards over all other singers, actresses and models. OK. Wake up! People try to call Beyonce ugly around me because they think it hurts me. It really doesn't lol. That's your oppinion. and my oppinion is that you're badbody and ugly (girl haters) or you're just straight gay (boy haters). The end.
But it's not just Beyonce. It's any girl I like. I'm sorry but yeah you shouldn't waste your time hating on girls I like when half the people who hate wouldn't know beauty if it shat in their face. but you know what I say to those dummys for now on? "I don't give a damn...Whatever..." lol! OMG That works so well. It can be like an answer to anything!
But back to Kelly. Yeah I'm gonna go and by myself too. I wouldn't waste my money to take anyone with me who's either A. Not gonna have a good time or B. Sit there and say "OMG she can't sings ArG!" or "This is boring she sucks" just because I like her. It's actually very flattering to me that people hate on people that I like. I could see if it was just like 1 or 2 people but damn it's like EVERYBODY I like or say is cool bitches come and hate on them. but I don't give a damn I'm gonna go because I want to see her and I've never went to a concert before. The girl can sing-
Hater: *says in a grungy voice* OMG she sucks so bad! She's ugly too! You know I only hate her because Jamis likes her! NAAHAHAHA!!! Because I'm a retard NWAHAHAA!!!!"
She can sing she isn't afraid of her notes when she bellows either. but I'm gonna go because I don't have anything to do in July so far so I'm just gonna get my ticket and have a ball.
Wow since I got that off my chest I forgot all the bad shit I was gonna write in here now I'm in a good mood! These journals actually are useful for something.
Oh Yeah! I started playing Kingdom Hearts 2! it's a really cool game! I was so pissed off with how poorly they did the Lion King world. I was pisssssed! They just used the story of the lion king one and added sora to it. It pisses me off because in part 1 it seemed more like it was just added to that disney story and it was original. In 2 they just pretty much made all the worlds an alternate reality type story which is what they did with the lion king world. Hopefully when I go back to that world the second time it'll be original.
METROOOCON!!! I can't wait! There's gonna be a rave again and I wanna goto that mufucka! I'm gonna get adam to teach me sommore rave moves if we get some free time. I'm actually looking forward to it this year. I'm gonna do my own thing though. No more following.
Oh yeah thats what I wanted to comment on. I realized after all this time that I was trying to be like other people. That I wasn't the lone me vs the world anymore. I liked it better that way. I focused so long on trying to fit in and be like other mufuckas til I forgot who I originally was, How I originally was. I liked my old self which is why I want to be the way I use to be. Not give a damn.
"Every soul has a voice, and Every Soul is given a choice. Every Soul has a path to follow which is why Everyone is accountable for their own Soul." -Jamis
I need to take my own philsophy more serious. I have millions of quotes yet I don't even follow my own damn advise aint that some shit? Oh well..I'll start.
Thats all I have for you tonight kiddys. Tomorrow night I should update my myspace profile and hopefully snag a few new cool friends. Other than that thats all I have for ya! Holla!
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| Final Act. No More. |
[25 Mar 2006|08:02pm] |
You know it never ceases to amaze me how often I write in these blogs about other people. I mean seriously. I always write about how other people treat me and how other people are stupid for their bfs/gfs but when honestly do I write about myself?
I must sound like a broken record on how many times I say "Oh I'm not gonna put up with that shit anymore" or "I'm tired of people walking over me." Then the next day I'm right back to base one. Starting all over again. No More.
I realized with my recent run of bad luck, I mean shit has just been happening to me bad for no reason and most of the time I don't know why. But with everything...everything happens for a reason. Monday I put 25 dollars worth of gas in my moms car so I could get to work. Later that afternoon the car ran super hot. I didn't know what the hell was going on or what the hell to do. To make a long story short I had to park it at s 7-11 over night and catch a ride home with an employee who was very helpful and tried to help us get the car home but it kept running hot every 2 minuites.
This week was hell. I went through hell worrying about how I was gonna get to work and then once I got there how the hell was I gonna get home. Dana came and took us (Me and Adam) to work tuesday and wednesday and I gave her gas money. Thursday dana's friend Lisa gave us a ride but had us 40 mins late adam paid her gas money. All of those days I had our co-worker Sherly bring us home. Wednesday we were suppose to goto the amphitheater with dana but we got there too late cause she had to go home. She drove us home for free and a appriciate that.
Friday we had no idea how we were gonna get to work. I was out of idea my mom's friend (that is having the car fixed) was suppose to give me a ride but he never called or showed up. I wasn't gonna give up but I was out of ideas. I was looking through my cellphone and just turned up with a list of useless people at the time (No offense to anyone) Then I saw Crystal. I hated to just call her because I wanted something because thats how pretty much everyone (not all) does me. I asked her if she could give me and adam a ride. She said call her back in 5 mins. So adam called me and that little bit of time. I said I just called crystal and she told me to call her back in 5. He said he'd prolly just call out because yeah it seemed hopeless. I hung up with him and called crystal back and she said she could take us but she needed gas money. I said well I don't get paid til later today...She just said don't worry about it ill handle it ill get you there. Called adam back and he said he wasn't going because he gave up on gettin a ride.
Even though I was 30 mins late getting there Crystal made it possible for me to get there and after the way I've been neglecting her friendship she coulda told me to kiss her ass and I would of deserved it.
I relized clear as day that now I know I won't ever be able to make everybody happy. No matter how good a friend I am to people no matter how much shit I take people wont be satisfied until you are dead in your grave. And then once that happens they'll laugh and find a new puppet to pull strings with. No longer can I sit and make it a goal in my life to make my friends happy. How the hell am I suppose to make other people happy when I can't even make my damn self happy. Once I can actually smile a real life smile instead of a cover up then maybe I can help other people again.
One thing I was most afraid of is all of my friends leaving. They are. They made decisions based on what they want in their life and not based off seeing their friends. It use to hurt me to think of the group not being as one anymore but to be totally honest, We haven't been a group in years. All everyone wants to do is hurt each other and make fools out of each other. But besides that I decided that from this day foward I'm making decisions in my life based off where I want to go in my life. I don't wanna sit around on drugs or worrying about a gf or worrying about if my friends are really my friends or not. I shouldn't have to feel that way anyway ever.
I use to be the most ambitious person I knew. But as with every great man they usually fall to temptation. Yeah...I'm guilty as charged I feel into temptation...twice with 2 differient things. One it's become a part of me and I like it sometimes but the other I'll never fall into that hole again. But the first is slowly and surely not controlling my life like it use to. That's what threw me off my ambition. I'm a fool I know. But I can feel myself the real me the me that always wanted to be successful coming back out. Crawling out of the hole of temptation and back in the driver seat. I won't stop until my goals are complete.
I've already accepted the fact that I won't have a gf or get married or have kids but one thing in my life that's gonna make up for all of that stuff is the money that I will have if I stay on the right path to success. When I started making more money I felt like money couldn't buy happyness. In some cases that's true but in others...I don't think so. Money use to make me very happy and now that I'm getting back to the way I use to be I'll always be happy.
I decided that I'm going to college. I don't even know what classes I'm gonna take yet but I'm gonna take something and continue my education. I haven't felt this good in a long time and even through things are alittle rough for me right now I haven't had the strong feeling of Hope in a long time.
Other than that I decided to start playing online games again in every inch of spare time I have with is usually the weekends. Will possibly be playing FFXI if my characters are still there that and Guild Wars. That's how I use to be. I always said you can't live in the past but if something in the past made you happy then you should take that to the future. Some things you can't like my friends. I don't see any of them in my future but as my friend janice at work said friends will come and go always. so i guess it's kind of harsh to say but...out with the old and in with the new. New era new time. The Final Act. Time for a new book.
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| The King Has Returned. |
[03 Feb 2006|03:46am] |
Well I'm pretty damn happy with myself. I now have a job even though people use to say I'd never get anywhere and I was broke because my mom cut me off alot. Now those bitches will have to take those words and shove them up their ass because I aint broke no mo.
I work at an electric company. Actually the largest electric material supplier in America. I make 9.75 an hour and 14.60 an hour when I hit overtime which as we speak I'm 3hrs over as we speak and I probobly have a 10+ hour day tomorrow too. So yeah I'm pretty happy with myself. in 2 months I get a raise to 10.50 so yeah that'll work out well.
I feel so happy with myself. I was telling adam the other night that I feel just so happy like I'm doing something with my life. Instead of sitting and hoping something happened for me I went out there and made it happen. I got tired of seeing everyone else succeed and nothing happening for me. Not that I wish anyone to do bad because im not that type of person I just wanted something good to happen for me.
NOW. To all those bitches that talked shit about me and laughed behind my back in my downtime I got news for you. Fuck Yaaaa! I don't need yaaaaa! I'm sure alot of people are gonna treat me differient now since im making money for myself but they might as well not my money aint for them it's for my own ass.
But I'm too tired to keep going on about those shitty people. I have to be up at 11 to get ready for work again. gtonna go sleep now. nighty night! teehee!
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| Nothing has changed. Another long entry but more theriputic for me. |
[27 Jan 2006|04:58am] |
At first I wasn't gonna write this but I'm holding too much in. since my last entry in december, nothing has changed. Not a damn thing. I'm still frustrated all the time. I'm still sad all the time. I'm starting to feel like I felt back in 03 and 04. Emo. All the time. I'm never happy. I'm the only one.
Well I guess I can start with what is actually frustrating me. I don't know why I'm even gonna go through this it's not like anyone cares but one day hopefully I'll be able to look back at this entry and laugh.
First off my mom is still stressing me out. She still constantly complains when I want to go somewhere because she doesn't like to be alone in the house. NEWSFLASH!!!!! I'm an adult! I'm not her baby boy any more! Then she nags me about getting a job to help with bills. WTF DOES SHE WANT?! She can't have it both ways. I can't be her baby boy that sits in the house with her because she doesn't wanna be lonely AND a responcible adult helping out with finances. It stresses the hell outta me that she wants me to help out but also be a child and stay in the house. That's why I never like to be home because she always kept a fuckin leash on me never letting me go anywhere. To Malibu, To Tampa Lanes, to Cons, to Tournaments...to anything I never got to go. But I can't be all mad at her for keeping me home. As a matter of fact I wish I would stay sometimes but i'll get into the reason later.
Then my sister. She always puts that shit in my moms head about "Oh he's lazy blah blah he need a job blah blah" Ok I can't get a fuckin job unless the PEOPLE HIRE ME! GOD DAMN! What am I gonna do? Go put a gun to their head and say.."Hire me now bitch!" I don't think so. The other morning she came to pick up my nephew for school (He's next on my shitlist) and was talkin shit as usual. I was "asleep" when she walked right past my door saying "He needs to stop being so picky and choosey and get a damn job. Plenty of places will hire him or she shoulda just stayed at RSVP" WTFFF!!!!!!!!!!!!! FIRST OF ALL! 1. Plenty of places won't hire me because I don't have work experience! I've been to plenty of places and plenty of them didn't hire my ass. 2. HELL NO I wasn't gonna stay at rsvp so they could fire my fuckin ass? They told me there were probobly anyway and it would be so fuckin more hard to get a job if I have FIRED on my record. No. I took initiative and left. That pissed me off and what pissed me off even worse is my mother didn't even take up for me because she was "sleep" too. Fuck that shit. She always gets on the phone and talk shit about me to people I've stood there and heard her. None of those mufuckas should have shit to say about me because they're not doin good their damn selves.
Then my nephew. I thought my nephew was my best friend until he started hating me for nothing. Crystal called me and said he was leaving prank messages on her phone. I confront him about it. He says he didn't do it. We have a big huge argument about it and every since me and him haven't been close at all. That's bullshit. Then last weekend some random lady called they house saying someone called her house 4 times and pranked her from our number. Now I'm sleeping all day and my mom was gone all day. Who the fuck else coulda did it? Kimba?(My cat) I don't fuckin think so. He STILL denied it. My sister even took up for him again it's fuckin ridiculous. The first time when he did it to crystal she says "You shoulda asked her to hear the messages before you accuse him of something" This time it was "What time did the calls come in...and what time did mama leave because she's been known to do that bullshit to people along time ago" WTFFFFFFF OOOOMG! She blamed my mom for doing it because she didn't wanna blame him. Then I got into another argument with him because I know he did it. I was like "You're good little boy. You're up in here makin me look like a fool. But you keep doin what your doin all the little sneaky shit just don't get caught because when you do your ass is grass." I hate when he comes over here. All he does is tear shit up and do sneaky shit all day. He hides behind him mom because if you accuse him of something and don't have proof she gets pissed and goes off the chain but like I told him, "I'm not afraid of your mom. She don't run me like she runs you and I'm gonna prove it to you one day." Then he tells my mom that "I'm mad with James because he lied on me about the prank calls" I was like wtf...ok.....what ever....I didn't even wanna go through it. He's the fuckin biggest liar in the family and he's only 13 it's ridiculous.
Then my friends. I've gone through so much shit with so many differient people til it's not even funny. I'm still goin through shit. They're goin through shit that keeps me stressed out as well. I don't want one side to feel like im taking another side. It makes me fuckin angry. I'm too fuckin nice. People take advantage of me because I let them. Because I feel like I need them. Who else can I turn to when my own fuckin family turns their back on me. I thought I could depend on them some of them I can. Then others just fuckin laugh at my struggles behind my back. Most of them aren't the type to care at all. I feel like now my friends have their own lives to worry about and they shouldn't have to worry about me nor do I want them too. Just fuckin stop treatin me like shit all the time. I don't see that happenin. Most of them are assholes and just live to make you feel like shit. That's a fuckin horrible reason to excist in the world just to make others feel like shit. Just like my sister thats all she excists for. Alot of my friends act differient in front of other people just to fuckin make me feel like shit. I don't like that at all. I'm tired of being down on myself because others like to take me there. Where has my strength gone.
Where is it? I use to be one of the strongest individuals that I knew. I use to have all the answers I use to be just so strong. Now I have no strength. I'm so weak and fragile as the smallest little thing can break me down like a little bitch. Why? What happened to me. Maybe all the backstabbings, shit talking, gettin treated like shit, has finally caught up to me. I suppress everything. I don't like to show people my bad emotions for what? So they can laugh? "Har har I pissed him off look at his face he's so pissed har har now im cool because I pissed him off." Yeah. Theres my life. I don't care if people get a laugh out of joking me because I love to see everyone happy. But if you can't say it in front of me because you know ill get mad then it becomes shit talking because you're talkin and laughin behind my back while you smile in my face. No. That's when I get really angry. But what do I do? Nothin at all. Just take the shit like alittle bitch and keep going. I'm so tired of that shit.
Jealously. Is something I've never had a problem with. I never felt that emotion at all in my childhood because I pretty much got anything I wanted. Even now that my mom doesn't buy me things as much as she use to I'm still not jealous of anything anyone gets materially. My jealously is life. Everyone I know has good shit goin for them no matter what it is. Something is happening for them. They all have someone who cares for them and they feel the same way. I'm the only one who doesn't. It's because no one gives a shit about me and never will. I envy their happyness. Eventually I'll stop because I don't wanna goto hell for that. Maybe thats why I'm having it so hard now because I had it so easy growing up and now this is my punishment? I don't know.
My father. After 10 years he wants to come and see me right out of the blue. Why? I needed him those last 10 years. Do you know how hurtful it is not to have one of your parents there especially the one that is suppose to teach you about being a man? I don't know shit about anything. I don't know how to fuckin mow a lawn, I don't know how to fuckin fix a bike or a car or anything in the house. Nothing. What the FUCK am I suppose to teach my son (Yeah as if i'd ever have kids) about anything? I was never taught shit to pass down.
My mother once told me that I was a mistake. I wasn't suppose to excist. She told me that out of anger during an argument but I'll always believe it. If it weren't true why would my dad had stayed away for so many years? He wanted nothing to do with his bastard child. He was never there to correct her or say "Why would you say something like that to him". That's probobly why she treats me like shit because I'm not suppose to excist. Or so she thinks.
The way I see it. I may have been a mistake in his and her eyes but she also had a miscarriage before me. Now if I wasn't suppose to excist...Why am I here? I could of easily been the child that she miscarried before me. He/She didn't get to see life but I did. I'm still here. Even though alot of bad shit happens to me I'm here for a reason I'll always believe that.
My solution to these problems. My mom, sister and nephew after I get on my feet I'm cutting them out of my life. They'll never have to worry about me ever again. I'll take my bastard ass on somewhere far away and they'll never hear from me. My mom can have her daughter her favorite, my sister can be the glory child, my nephew can keep being a lying idiot and my dad can goto hell.
People who keep trying to piss me off or try to fuckin treat me like shit I'm not gonna stand for it anymore. I'm tired of bein a bitch and yielding to other people just to keep them happy. If they can't respect me the same way I respect them then they can goto hell as well. I'm done.
I have done things since I've turned 18 that I regret now. I'm not gonna go through it here I'm sure alot of people know what I'm talking about. People that don't...keep it that way. I've heard alot of people are dissapointed in me because of it and it made me less of a person. I don't need anymore people turning their backs on me or treating me like shit now because I can't go through it anymore. I'm exhausted. I wish I could take it back sometimes but it's too late now. So I have to move on past it.
Now what I have to do is get like my friends. Focus on me. Focus on Jamis. Focus on making Jamis the best like he use to be. Be on top in his world and don't give a fuck what people think of him or have to say about him. Jamis has to stop sparing other peoples feelings because no one ever thinks to spare his because they love to see him down sad or mad. I never to get my immortality back. I need to strengthen myself again.
and for now I'll go because I know this entry is really long. I'll update soon. Peace.
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[19 Dec 2005|06:42pm] |
I don't even know what to do anymore. I'm just so tired of everything.
One thing I'm tired of always gettin bitched and yelled at by my mom and sister. My mom makes it super hard on me when I wanna go somewhere she always has to make a big deal about it. Why? Why does she always have to do that. Then don't even get me started on my sister. I got bitched at today because of something my mom did. I didn't fuckin know she was gonna throw away a phone number how could anyone predict something like that. But no I don't have any common sense because I didn't keep the phone number in my room i left it NEXT TO THE TELEPHONE. I had to go through that and I've already been depressed like all month. Then I cry and I hate crying. Im glad I didn't much she just made me feel like shit. It's all they ever do is make me feel like shit. I'm so tired.
Then if thats not enough dealin with family my friends are no diffrient. Most of them don't even call me unless they want somethin. It's all about the car to them and even if it's a ragaty old BMW it still gets me where im goin. When I didn't have that car to drive in, nobody even cared to look my way. I always got left outta shit. While people were able to drive to tournaments and conventions and shit I was the one always left behind. Do you think anyone cared to ask me "Hey Jamis do you wanna come with us?" even though at the time my mom woulda prolly said no to an out of town convention they didn't fuckin think of me. DDR Tournaments come and go and as many people that know me in ddr florida I was never even able to make an appearance even if I lost I just wanted to go to be there. Now that I have a car to drive everyone seems to be my best friend. Oh they'll call and be friendly the day they want a ride. Then I don't hear from them for weeks. Crystal keeps on tellin me to stop stop stop. But I'm the fuckin dummy who never listens and continues to get shat on.
I'm tired of people talkin to me like im a piece of shit. I'm tired of people treatin me like im a piece of shit. I'm tired of people using me. But the only reason why I get done this way is because I let people do me this way and I'm done. From now on if a bitch got somethin bad to say about me they need to come say it to my face and not talk like alittle bitch behind my back. Cause whenever I have a problem with someone I always pull them to the side and work it out. No more free rides. I mean that shit from now on. As a matter of fact im almost to the point where im not gonna give rides anymore at all. Then that'll prove that all I do is get used because if I don't do it they'll get someone else to do it.
I hate feeling this way I hate being angry like this with people I always tried to not let people take me to this level. But sometimes I can't help it. Even thought I'm the nicest guy people could ever hope to meet people take advantage of me being nice too much. Because I didn't mind doing it. But when I get treated by shit all the time by everybody family and friends eventually a bitch gets tired of this shit all the time.
I shouldn't have to feel like I have to give my friends rides for them to hang out with me or for them to even talk to me. I never in my life would make anyone feel that way because I like everyone unless they give me a reason not to like them. Maybe thats my problem. Maybe I get punished because sometimes I'm a hateful person. I need to change my ways and maybe things will go better for me. Because lately all ive been is angry depressed and frustrated and bad luck seems to follow me everywhere. Like I said, If you don't like me or don't want me to come around let a bitch know so I won't make an ass of myself tryin to be friends with people who can't stand me. Thats the last thing I would want to do is hang out with people who don't like me to begin with if i find out ill feel like an ass so just save me the damn trouble.
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| Deadbeat no gooded ass father. |
[18 Nov 2005|11:47am] |
So yeah my mom just tells me that my dad went to my grama house the other day to talk to her husband. She said that he said he didn't know my grama had died and all this other bullshit. What the hell does he come now for. He didn't even come to my grama's funeral. I'm so pissed off right now. She said he didn't know but every black person in florida reads the florida sentinal and I know for a fact he does. He knew my grama had died he comes down here playing these games. Yet he made no move to come see his son after what since I was in 3rd grade is the last time i've even caught a glimpse of that nogood son of a bitch. I hope he fuckin dies. I wont even go to that bastard's funeral because he didn't come to my grama's so why should i go to his shitty funeral. I'm not doing none of the arrangements or shit it's not like he's gonna leave me anything. He is up there in jacksonville somewhere taking care of someone elses child while his own blood son is down here without a father figure ever. They better call my brother his other son to do that bullshit. I'm not makin no moves for that man.
What the hell am I suppose to teach my son one day. I was never taught how to mow a lawn or paint a house. I was never taught how to fix things or put things togather. What if I buy them a bike one day i wont know shit about putting it togather. A father is suppose to teach there child things like that. I blame his ass for his drug problems. I know my mom wasn't an angel in the marriage either but she wasn't running around with other guys behind his back or addicted to cocaine and all this other shit he took her through. He put his drugs before his family and before his son he didn't give a shit about me when I was a baby and now I won't ever give a shit about him.
The only reason he decides to come down here now is because my mom is still burning his ass with child support and im 18. It was his fault for giving up his job and getting behind in it. So he still has to pay. What could he possibly say to me? Does he think this is gonna be a fairytale ending?
Dad: Gee son, I'm sorry I haven't been around all these years...I've had some issues and I've worked them out. But it's been 9 years since I last seen you but I'm here now!
Jamis: Oh Father I've missed you so much! I'm so glad your back! Maybe you and mommy can get remarried and we can be a big happy family!
BITCH PLEEEEEEEASE!
Only in his fucked up head. I would tell him what a piece of shit he is and he's a no gooded man. I've had anger built up in my heart for a long fuckin time and I'm waitin for him to finally confront me if he has the balls. If he comes before he even tries to talk to me he better have some serious christmas presents to pull out of his ass. Then maybe I wont be so hard on him but that doesn't make up for 9+ years of him not being there. Even before that when I was 3 and he stopped coming to get me for visitation because my mom stopped it cause him and his new wife thing or whatever were fighting with knives and shit around me.
I'm through ranting about that man though. He can drop dead and goto hell.
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| A tired, caged, animal. A Failure. |
[27 Oct 2005|05:41pm] |
Hey...It's me it's been awhile...again...
I usually don't like to make emo posts. Well that's a lie. I almost always make emo posts. Today I can't help it so for everyone's friend page this appears on just ignore it if you don't wanna read it.
Last night me and my mom got into a big argument again. She complains about me coming home around 3 am which is the cerfew she gave me on my birthday. She complains that I stay out on the weekends. She complains that I keep her car out with me. It's so fuckin fustrating. It's unbelieveable. She makes me so sick im on the borderline to hating her. She's kept me on a fuckin leash my whole damn life. Like a god damn caged animal. Finally when I turn 18 she lets me out of the cage and basically says don't leave the yard. I waited my whole life to be an adult so finally I could have some of the fun that I never use to be able to have when I was a younger teen. She use to complain about me going to Malibu on fridays. I can't do SHIT. You wonder why dogs attack people outside of their fences. They're jealous because they can't be there. They don't have freedom. They want to explore and see the world and they see people walking in the world they want to experience so much and the first chance they get they attack. Once a dog gets use to being caged and bound, anyone who steps into their territory ass is grass. Why should people have the right to walk all up in their territory and the dog can't leave it.
The only reason she does this shit is because she knows that I HAVE to put up with it. She knows that I have no where else to go right now. I'm so tired I'm so exhausted. My heart is constantly hurting cause of all the shit she takes me through for nothing. I've been the best child I could possibly be. She loves my sister way more than she does me and I've done things my sister hasn't even thought of doing yet.
Sister - Got kicked out of school for pulling a knife during a fight. No diploma
Me - Finished school and recieved my diploma.
Sister - Pregnant at 19. Promised to finish school if she had a car.
Me - Still a vigin. Finished school. No car
Sister - In 1990 mother bought her a 1990 Nissan Sentra XE brand new. In 1999 mother gave her $10,000 to put down on a 2000 Mitsubishi Galante.
Me - 2005 No fuckin car.
Lets see who she favors more. I get the shit end of the stick with everything while she got everything and always talks about my mom like a dog. I'm the one who always sticks up for her and what do I get? Nothing. I've been the good child all my life. She never had to come to school in the middle of her work day because I was a bad problem child. The only time I got into fights is when I got pushed or hit first. That usually didn't even happen during school it was during aftercare so they couldn't call her to come get me before time. They use to just sit us in time out until our parents got there. But anyway.
For a minute, No a second..I just gave up. I gave up on all my dreams and everything I hoped for. I had never done that before thats the only thing that kept me going. That's something that I will never do again. I'll never do again. No matter how grim things get no matter how much hell I go through I'll never give up ever again. I'll make a way for myself no matter what.
And where are my friends when I need them the most? Anytime I feel like this my friends are no where to be found. But I guess I can't blame them they have more important things to worry about than how I'm doing. I have to be the same way from now on. I'm not gonna get anywhere in my life worrying about how everyone else is doing. Careing if theyre happy sad mad. I have to focus on me now like I should have a long time ago. I can't help them until I can help my damn self first. I'll be alright. I can do bad all by myself.
From now on I'll feed my mom with a long handle spoon. I'll handle my sister whenever she feels froggy. and I'm tired of writing right now.
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[12 Oct 2005|03:14am] |
Well today was ok. Ups and downs.
Down - Sister called and I talked to her awhile. She said I didn't have any common sense because I didn't know who to talk to to put in my week notice for my current job. It's not like ive ever quit a job before. So yeah then we got ok cause she wasn't mean or anything just kinda fustrated with me lol.
Up - Mom brought me wendys for lunch. I ate the hell outta it.
Down - Then she wanted me to come home and pick up my uncle from the community center which is right down the street. I was like "mama..you want me to drop what im doing and come all the way back here to pick him up when it's a 5 min walk at the most from there to his apartment?" I was like no I'm not gonna do it. I use to wake up everyday at 8am to walk to that fuckin community center so I could do my classes. His ass even at his age is in better shape than I am because he exercises everyday I only cardio (ddr itg) like twice a week. Theres no excuse. I told her im not gonna be fuckin babysittin some 50 year old man who wants to act like he's my nephews age (13). I was gonna go get him but then he wanted me to fuckin come in there and get him when my mom said i prolly wouldn't do it he said nevermind and I was like whateva. You got feets...use em. He's like the main source of my moms stress. He use to do my grama the same way. Me and my sister wont put up with the shit. He's only got one more time to upset my mom and im gonna go off on his ass because he's an idiot and I dont even like him. Hell yeah I got priority on my moms car because 1. when the car was in the shop he was all like "thats cars too expensive i wouldn't put a dime into fixin it. Now he wants to hop his happy ass in it to get rides everywhere man hell naw. Take his ass to the bus stop like I had to im not drivin his crybabyin ass no where.
Down - Left the house to get finger prints done for my post office stuff. The person that does it wasn't there after 3 so I was like fuck...So I left there and went to adams.
Up - I talked to Brittani for a bit then me and her went to BP to get her cigs and i bought a few drinks. Then we went back to Adams and me and her watched End of Evangelion again.
Down - Someone thought it would be funny to fuck with Jamis today. So the bitches send Chris in there with some dirty underwear they were folded he sat it on my lap and walked out. I knew there was more too it than that. There was a fuckin big ass tree frog inside the underwear. The bitches know that i have a major phobia with frogs. It didn't jump out or anything because I told brittani to grab the underwear before it did. We saw it move too so yeah. I was pissed. I was gonna kick the shit outta him. But I didn't wanna start shit in Pat's house because I respect his rules of no fighting there. So I sat my ass down and watched the rest of the movie. I was mostly pissed at JR and Chris. Chris said he didn't know I was afraid of frogs which is bullshit because I say it all the time. I dont have a problem saying I get Bitched my frogs. everyone has somethin that they are scared of. And Jr is arachnaphobic (spiders) and I wouldn't of did shit like that to him. But whatever I always learn my lesson the hard way. Anyways.
The night got better and the only reason why im still pissed at Chris and no one else is because he's the biggest shit talker in the world. He was in there saying all sorts of shit to people talkin about "oh he's mad at me and i wasn't the only one involved" He's a fuckin dummy. If someone says "Hey go do this to that person" obviously it's something thats gonna piss them off. Thats how people get FUCKED up doing what OTHER people tell them too just like a little bitch. Thats all his little bitch ass does everytime we have an argument is run to everyone else like they're gonna turn on me or somethin. He wont come talk to me if he has a problem no he runs around like a lil bitch and talk talk talk. I don't give a damn. Since he's fuckin runnin his mouth tryin to turn everybody against me then bitch I'll talk all I want in my LJ. I'm at my final level with that fuckin boy Im tired of that shit man. He's the only fuckin dummy runnin his ass around talkin shit. JR knew that I would cool off thats why he didn't say anything. He left and left me alone to cool off. This other dumb ass just runs his mouth and fuckin throws gasolina on the damn fire. But Whatever I'm through with chris' ass.
Up - I learned how to Rave tonight! I learned the Chaser and the Butterfly. I was like OMG Im a raver kid now! I didn't think id ever be able to do ANY tricks. I just started doing the Chaser and didn't know I was even doing it right. Then they showed me the butterfly. They tried to show me the Figure 8 with my hands but I can't do it for some reason. I'll learn. Once I learn I'll be like omg that was so simple I bet im gonna kick ass at it too.
Then me and Sam got into an argument about Inuyasha. It was awesome cause he actually tries to defend his characters. Of course he picked that bitch ass Sesshomaru. And he said that Songo is hotter than Kikyo whaaaatever....Then me adam and sam talked about a bunch of stuff.
Oh man we played with a Strobe Light it was so cool! omg. You'd have to be there but man that was cool.
Well thats all from me tonight im tired. night night.
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[07 Oct 2005|08:14am] |
Well I just got off the phone with my sister. Me and her had a long talk about work and stuff. It was interesting. Me and her are doing the same survey now so thats interesting. She has a 106% production rate I was like damn thats unbelieveable. But hopefully after today I don't have to go back to that job. I have to be at the post office at 2:30 today. If I get that job ill be so happy.
So I have a busy day today. I have to go to the post office. Then I have to go get my check. Then I need to cash my check and goto the store. Then goto Adams to see who's going to tampa lanes tonight. Then I have to come back and get dressed to go out. Bleh.
Tampa Lanes is gonna be so boring tonight cause Crystal and Markus aint gonna be there. So I can't bowl. Besides the fact that I usually end up hanging out with them anyway since the people I take there usually ditch me out once they get there to go hang out with all those fags that I really dont care for. But Whateva. I'll make it work. I thinkin about gettin my PSP back on. Since I lost my charger along while ago somewhere in the house I have to go buy another one today. I hope it still works it aint been charged or cut on in like forever. I'm gonna buy this one charger that costs 29.99 thats a AC adapter and car charger so ill always have my PSP back on.
CRYSTAL - Dont lose my Nintendo DS is Fort Lauderdale! I'll be insanely upset because there are some good DS games out now that I have to get.
I need to get my pitcures from my birthday party today. I know it was 2 months ago but I really wanna know how those pictures turned out.
I've been writing my storys alot more recently. Well I have a notebook that i spill all my ideas into and I've come up with some pretty interesting stuff. some stuff I come up with right off the top of my head and it just turns out so cool. So yeah if you ever see me with my red notebook thats what im doing.
I so can't think of anything else to write about. So im just rambling.
Bah whatever thats all I can think of for now ill update soon. seeyas
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[05 Oct 2005|11:30am] |
Well not much has been going on lately. Same routine as usual.
Well I decided (with the exception of JR and Adam) that anyone I take anywhere in my moms car is gonna have to front some gas money. No more free rides. Like I use to say years ago before I started driving that if something goes wrong with my car aint nobody gon help fix shit. Someone stole the back emblem off my moms car. Now I have to help pay for it because neither of us know where or when it happened. When I find out who did it there aint gonna be no arguin or fussin about it. I'm just gonna walk up and swing the hell on em and theres gonna be a fuckin fight. Thats bullshit. People get jealous of me because of that old ass ragaty bmw and start vandelizing my shit. Thats ok though I can't wait to find out who did it so I can stab the shit outta them. That just shows how much of a coward they are. At least when JR nailed Christines car he admitied it. I wish the person who took the emblem would admit it ooh man..
So yeah no more free rides. I mean the emblem isn't gonna cost too much but my first paycheck isn't gonna be much because I didn't have too many hours do to training. Like Crystal says people just use me for rides anyway they don't give a damn about me. I don't care if they do or don't no gas no ride. I'm puttin my god damn foot down. Take me as the bad guy or the heel all you want but if you haven't noticed Katrina and Rita did damage to our gas system. No more am I gonna put the burden on myself to drive people around on my gas and have to keep gas in there for when my mom uses the car and when I have to drive to work. People wanna go play ITG, GAS. People wanna goto Tampa Lanes, GAS. Bottom Line.
In other news. The Post Office called me and said I have to be at the main post office friday at 2:30. good thing im off that day from my other job which im quittin if I get this temp job because it pays way more for the time being and it's more reliable. I'm already out 10 hours this week so far from my regular job and I have a feeling theyre gonna call me off again today possibly. I wouldn't mind because that job is boring anyway. As long as they got my check friday I dont give a damn.
Umm other than that I think thats everything I needed to get off my chest for now. I'll write back soon...or in a couple days or so peace.
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[29 Sep 2005|11:42am] |
Been awhile since I updated this thing.
Well it's been a constant routine for the past 2 weeks. Wake up around 2 get ready for work. Go to Adams house around 3-3:30 stay til 4:30 get to work at 5. Stay from 5-10 and leave and go back to adam's til around 1 or 2. Then home. Inuyasha, Fullmetal, sleep.
Yesterday I pretty much did the same thing. I took Adam to the mall to get DDR Extreme 2. I didn't get to play it until I got off from work though. Work is starting to get easier im starting to get the hang of it. (For anyone that doesn't know I'm a Market Researcher. Basically we call people up and ask them to do surveys. we are NOT telemarketers gracias.) This one bitch monitor (the people in the room that monitor your calls to make sure youre doing it right.) She always comes over there every time i stop dialing numbers for a second and says "DIAL DIAL YOUR'RE NOT DIALING!" I almost said bitch I just put the phone down...geez. she makes me wanna punch her in the throat everytime she's there I hate when she's there.
I talked to my sister about her this morning (she works there too during the day shift) and she was saying how she heard about that bitch and if she keeps fuckin with me she's gonna handle her lol. But yeah. It's starting to become an interesting job. I'm gonna try to get brittani and adam a job there im gonna take them with me next friday when I go pick up my paycheck so they can fill out an application.
I can't wait til i get my first paycheck. I have some plans for that money hehe.
I just got off the phone with my sister she wants me to get another job that pays way more money. They start at 9 dollars an hour which to me is the shit and after 30-45 days you get benefits and a raise to 10 dollars an hour. mannnnnnn... I wanna do that cause everyone who knows me knows that im all about the dolla bill. I love money and now since I've been forced to make my own money I love to make money. I love to find jobs that pay more and more. right now I only make 7 an hour. But gettin a better job ill make even more money. *_* $_$ *_*. So Yeah. The more money I have the happier I'll be cause im in love with some money lol always have been always will be. I know alot of bitches talked and said if my mom cut me off that i wouldn't be able to make it but bitches im makin it and it aint all that hard yet. I think being an adult is fun. Finally having obligations and making your own way thats the shit im talkin about. And my mom is still gonna help me while i goto college so guess what haterade drinkin bitches...you lose.
Even though I've wrote some bad entries in here about my sister she see's the potential in me. The potential for greatness and she sees the potential in my skills with computers which is why she wants me to have a better job. How many siblings would hook a person up with a job that out pays the hell outta their salary.
Uhm... Other than that I must get Advent Children. But im gonna wait til it comes out in english so me and all my friends can watch it togather the first time. I can't wait november 29th....god damn thats along way away. if I had a dvd burner i would pirate that shit like somethin quick. and besides that I have nothin else to say at this point im so sorry to dissapoint all of my adoring fans...*cricket cricket* yeaaah....tootles! ^_^
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[21 Sep 2005|01:03am] |
Today was pretty cool. I went and played itg! it was so awesome and I did so good im so in love with that game now and why am i so saying so so much lmao.
I went to the last day of my work training. I don't think im really gonna like the job but it's money right now and thats somethin i want. why cant i just have something i want without doing something i dont want lol. life sucks.
Tomorrow I start and ill be workin from 5-11 and friday im only gonna work from 5-10 so i can still hang out on fridays. basically I have to work a minimum of 20 hrs of week, a manditory 2 fridays per month, and every saturday OR every sunday OR I can work 2 full weekends and get 2 full weekends off which i think im gonna do that more often. Especially for my special weekends and con weekends if im still there that long.
Other than that things have been ok. Of course the usual dramas that I go through but i handle them and keep goin.
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[13 Sep 2005|04:54pm] |
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mood |
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What happened to the days when the internet use to be fun...*sigh*
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| I GOT MY DIPLOMA TODAY |
[07 Sep 2005|09:22pm] |
Man I just checked the mailbox and my ged was in there. I am so amazed right now.
My mom opened the mailbox and I was like check to see if The Flyer is in there cause today is the day they come. Then she pulled out this big white envolope and it had my name on it I was like omg could this be it!? Then I opened it I was like MAMA MY GOD! It's my diploma! i had to hold in my screams cause there were people in the stairwells but man I am like all explosive inside right now I still can't believe it.
Im glad somethin good happened like that tonight cause somethin pissed me off after I got home. I had the car and my mom did tell me to be home before nightfall which I wasn't I came home at 8:30. She was kinda mad at me cause she had to goto the pharmacy and she was sayin my sister wouldn't give her a ride there when she came to get my nephew because she was burnt out from burnin tonight. Then she said she was like "I'm gonna goto malibu to see if he's there" I'm like wtf? I'm Grown how he she gonna go check to see where im at. I was like no she don't do that because where I go is my buisness. She don't come checkin up on me like im some sort of child. That pissed me off. And the next time she comes over here with all that drama im not gonna let her talk to me any kind of way anymore thats over with.
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[19 Aug 2005|11:59am] |
So far people to wish me a happy birthday (in order) are
1. JR
2. Brittani
3. Kim
4. Crystal
5. Markus
6. Mom
7. Eagleboy
8. SponG
9. Sister
10. PJ
11. Keith
Wow I didn't know so many people had said it already until i wrote them out lol. Well ill delete this soon and update it later on.
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[19 Aug 2005|11:48am] |
Man I stole this from cboz it was so cool. I wish it had more questions on it but yeah it was very fun.
1. Go here.
2. Pass it on.
( my answers )
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[18 Aug 2005|03:28pm] |
I really don't have anything to say right now. I guess I'm just writing because I'm bored. Hmm...
I had an arguement with my mom yesterday again. Mainly I was hurt because my sister always talks me down and stuff and she would always take up for me but it;s like this time she agreed with her. Man that really killed me. As much as my sister talks about her I never take her side on anything about my mama. But there I go again bein the good person shat on once again. Now I sit here in this room all day and I feel...I donno. I feel alone because now the one person who I thought was always on my side just like turned their back on me just like everybody else. I'd expect that from people in the streets and I wouldn't care as much but not your parent not my mom. I mean, my dad is a deadbeat loser and I don't expect anything from him. He could drop dead today or tomorrow and I wouldn't even break a sweat. They better not call me about anything that happens to him they better call my brother or somebody else.
My birthday is tomorrow I guess thats cool. I'm somewhat excited about it. I know tomorrow I don't give a damn what I'm not gonna let anything get me down. For one I'll be grown and I don't have to put up with anybody's crap. If someone pisses me off tommorrow or tries to im just gonna go off on em. I'm tired of bitin my tounge all the time my understanding is 0.
You know I often find myself wishing. Wishing that I was this or that, wishing that things were this way. Wishing is dumb. Can't just sit and wish things. Actions speak louder than words. Anything that I wish for from now on is gonna be accompanied by work. I need to start working for my dreams because wishing isn't gonna get anything done.
Thats all I can think of for now I feel a little better writing it out. peace.
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[17 Aug 2005|01:36am] |
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Man I really need to start checking my voicemails I had like 2 voicemails from kim and 1 from JR explaining his side in the drama that occured last week. I never even knew i got it this phone is fuckteruper man... I felt bad after hearing JR's message I donno why... Yeah. I'll type about today..tomorrow because ill have somethin to do during the day since theres nothin for me to do all day. peace.
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